I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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