He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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