All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
