Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
