That's intense
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
