I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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