A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
