you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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