And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
