yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
