I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
