After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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