Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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