so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
