...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
