five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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