I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
