Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
