Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
