My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
