She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
