So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
