Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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