Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
