dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
