a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
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You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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