This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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