dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
