last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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