God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
