just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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