He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
