You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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