Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize