party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
