I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
