Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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