im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
