I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
