I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
