did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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