I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
