Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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