Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
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He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
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Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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