my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
