How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
