Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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