Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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