its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
