So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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