Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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