if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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