I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
