I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If its not for food we ain't going out.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
