Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
