bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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