oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I wish I only lived at night.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
