I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
