i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
